Do It Afraid

On September 1, 2021 at approximately 11:30am I was called into the Director’s office by HR, sat down at the table with the rep and my supervisor and handed a piece of paper explaining that the department had decided to reorganize and my position was one of the ones eliminated.

As I continued to listen, I looked down at the letter, reviewing the terms, seeing the information about severance pay and how it would be issued over three pay periods. Not only was I annoyed, I was angry as hell. So you’re laying me off and keeping me from being able to collect unemployment by not issuing a lump sum severance. Duly noted.

I have worked in State and local government since 2008 in various administrative positions primarily in the legal field. I have a Bachelor’s degree, currently working on my MPA, have excellent work ethic and credentials, always beloved by my peers and if I do say so myself, ain’t another admin badder than me. And yes I say that with my chest.

But chileeeeeee this is the third time since 2019 I have been placed in this position.

The THIRD time.

I grabbed what I could from my workstation and listened to only some of what my supervisor was saying as she walked me to my car. I mostly kept thinking… “oh they got me fucked up!” Sidebar: y’all already know how I roll when I write. So this is where you clutch ya pearls but please know it won’t be the last time.

Anyhow, she helped me take my things to the car, asked me to keep in touch and told me there are some upper level positions forthcoming that I am more than qualified for and she wanted me to apply when the time came. I started my car and drove to Panera to pick up the lunch order I had placed earlier that morning. I sat there for a minute to call my husband and tell him what happened. Then I called a couple of coworkers who were shocked. And called or texted my ride or dies who definitely understood the assignment.

Let me just say, the women in my circle, sister friends, Sorors, mentors, my bomb ass therapist are some of my greatest assets and I am BLESSED to have each one of them in my life.

Back to them having me fucked up. I took a nearly $5000 paycut in that position. I rationalized it by saying I went from a 45 minute commute to less than 5 minutes and the fact that I was bored out of my mind everyday, left me the ability to listen to ebooks, do some LinkedIn learning courses and even some class work throughout the day.

While I sat there eating my salad I started scrolling on Instagram. The image at the beginning of this blog post was the first one I saw. “Sis, your feet are about to be planted in rooms NO ONE thought you were qualified for.” If you don’t know or follow Real Talk Kim on IG you truly should. She is so bomb and motivational! As I received that message I began to cry like hell. I had been looking for a job nonstop prior to any of this happening. I knew I was over qualified for the position and there was no growth or advancement there.

After my judge retired in January 2019 I was so lost. I knew the day was coming so since 2017 when she told me she was retiring I had been looking and interviewing like crazy. I LOVED my job as a Judicial Assistant and there was nothing else I wanted to do career wise. I had worked for the State 11 years, climbed the ladder, landed my dream job and I was content. So not only was I depressed as hell after losing that position, I was so desperate to have a job. I was at the place where I would pretty much take anything regardless of the salary. My husband had lost his job of 15 years in the summer of 2018 and took a massive pay cut with a new company to make ends meet. We had to have two incomes.

I knew from a few months in that the position I rushed into in March, 2019 wasn’t for me. While I was so in love with the fact that there were so many beautiful black and brown men and women in prominent positions there, the company culture was trash, environment unprofessional and very few people were held accountable for the requirements of their position. And oh my Lord listening to all of the yelling in the office and disrespect between coworkers that went down throughout the day was entirely too much. But I let myself get comfortable and complacent. I was not starting over again. I was gonna tough it out and make it work.

When the government position I truly did want called, four months after my feet were already planted, I took a weekend to think about it, got some input and feedback from my trusted few who all felt I should accept the offer, then declined. The lengthy four to six month hiring process for government positions is another topic for another day.

This was happening the height of the Black Lives Matter movement and our communities were speaking out about their disdain for law enforcement. What would it look like or feel like for me to accept a position with them? I couldn’t shake the feeling that even to advance my financial position I shouldn’t “sleep with the enemy” so to speak.

Yes, in hindsight that was poor decision making on my part since I was reacting to heightened emotions and not the facts at hand. Two months later I was without a job for the second time in the same year. Can we talk about what this does to your self esteem and mental health tho?

WAS

BROKEN

And again, after applying and interviewing for position after position, seeing rejection after rejection, when this local government position 5 minutes away from home came along, I took it. I knew immediately this position wasn’t for me. Deja vu 😳. But I needed a job and 2 months later we were in the COVID-19 pandemic so I was stuck. No one was hiring or even interviewing.

Now a year and 9 months later I’m without a job for the third time. This time was different. I found a therapist who’s simply AMAZING and had been seeing her for a few months at the time I was laid off. I processed information differently now. I didn’t go into panic mode. Desperation wasn’t even a thought because my husband, that same husband who took a massive pay cut just to make ends meet, had been promoted not once but TWICE in three years with a salary increase each time. In 2021, that second promotion was him being hand picked by the President of the company for a management position with management salary equivalent to our combined salaries at that point.

We couldn’t really travel during the pandemic and had paid both vehicles off. We’ve been able to save more and President Biden came through with the COVID relief funds so our finances are great. I knew that even if I didn’t find a job, our bills would still be paid and we could continue to be comfortable.

My girlfriend reached out and said her company had a position coming, she didn’t know particulars as far as salary etc however she knew it was in her department and wanted me to send over my resume so she could have the manager contact me. I immediately told her I wasn’t qualified for the position because I don’t know finance and accounting like that. She assured me that I was more than qualified and they were excellent trainers so I would be fine.

I met with the Accounting Manager a few weeks later. We had an immediate connection and the interview turned into a girlfriend chat. She showed me the job requirements and laughed when I looked at her like she had ten heads. She asked what scared me about it and I said the unknown. I’ve never walked into a position without already knowing how to do the basics. All admin positions are the same. Sure the software and environment varies but it is routine. This would be starting from the bottom. She was very transparent in telling me that nothing about the position had been fleshed out yet since it was brand new. The hours, the salary, whether it was contract or permanent, nothing. I let her know that while I am willing to take the position I would continue to seek full time permanent positions. She said she understood, assured me that the position was in fact mine and she would speak with the Finance Director to see what they could do about making it a permanent position at a salary that would work for me.

After being laid off, I continued to live my best life. Traveled to NY with my husband and kids to celebrate my birthday. Had brunches, lunches and or dinners with my sister friends on a regular basis. Studied, volunteered for my organizations and applied for jobs like crazy. From September 7 to present I have interviewed for 11 positions. The US Attorneys Office, PBSO, several municipalities, a few law firms and one corporate position. I still have not heard back from 7 of them. My former supervisor even reached out to have me apply for a supervisory position that opened.

On October 22, 2021 I received, accepted and signed an offer for a Staff Accountant position with my girlfriend’s company which is headquartered in California. The benefits are excellent, the company culture and team building has made me jealous over the years and the salary is the highest I’ve ever made. A nearly 40% increase from my last position and far more than I was making when I left the court system. Also more than the law enforcement position I turned down.

I made the decision to walk away from the comfort and safety I’ve always felt I needed. Government positions are low paying and often thankless but the benefits and pensions were alluring to me. It was safe and what I knew. Where I was comfortable and unchallenged.

Since September I have constantly received messages about getting out of my comfort zone. I am finally here! Lord willing next month I will step into my new career. It’s time to do it afraid and bloom.